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He was allowed a dose every seven to eight hours but within an hour of being given some, he would press the buzzer to call the nurses back in.‘When can I have my cyclizine? I had known drug addicts and, just weeks short of his 14th birthday, my son was ticking all the same boxes.We couldn’t sit by and watch him spend his last days in a morphine fog. So I went into the city and purchased a vaporiser pen – specialist equipment for inhaling an illegal drug…Deryn had suffered enough.
Now we had to find some cannabis and then work out how to make the liquid that could ease Deryn’s pain.
I hadn’t forgotten one doctor’s words to me about my child being made a ward of court if we went against traditional treatment methods.
If either of us were to get into trouble over this, Simon wanted it to be him. He wasn’t going to allow anyone to take me away from the children just for alleviating Deryn’s suffering.
His bravery attracted national attention and some of his favourite celebrities, including Paul Hollywood, Pauline Quirk and Linda Robson came to meet him.
Deryn was actually looking forward to dying and considered it his next adventure.
Back at the hospital, meanwhile, our son’s latest bone marrow transplant had failed. It seemed Deryn’s death was a done deal and now all we could do was wait until he drew his final breath.
If there was no improvement in two weeks, he would be placed in palliative care.
The vaporiser had brought him some relief but could a higher dose have better results? It’s beautiful.’Moments later, the nurse came back in with his dose of cyclizine, the powerful anti-sickness drug to which Deryn had grown addicted. There was no way he would turn that drug away and I was worried about the effect the cannabis tincture could have on it.
I took a small, empty syringe from the medicine cupboard in the hospice and quickly checked that there was no one outside. I asked him how he was feeling.‘I feel relaxed,’ he told me. Then I heard Deryn tell the nurse he didn’t want it. Everyone knew how much he relied on it to help him. Any parent in Callie’s situation would have felt the desperation she felt and compulsion to help her son who was suffering so badly.
But one night, he woke up in the early hours of the morning, sobbing.
After staying so strong for so long, he was begging for me to end it all.‘I don’t want any more morphine, Mum. I was sitting next to him, a nightly vigil, and held his hand. What would happen, I wondered, if I gave Deryn a small amount of golden cannabis tincture directly in his mouth?
After further research, I discovered we needed to buy a rice cooker and vegetable glycerine to make the ‘tincture’ suitable for the vaporiser pen.